Is your life demanding? Are you surprised how fast this year has gone? Are you already dreaming of your next holiday just to have a break, some respite from it all? I think that life is so fast-paced, the demands for our time and attention from work, our loves ones, our goals and dreams is so relentless; that is easy to drown in a sea of expectation, responsibility, stress and obligation. The pressure to be there for everyone, to achieve and deliver what they need coupled with the fear of failure, creates the perfect storm of overwhelm! Overwhelm is pervasive. For me it makes me feel inadequate. What do you feel when overwhelmed? For me it penetrates to the core of my being, and it hurts. A lot! I have discovered there is a lighthouse to guide us through the storm – self-kindness.

Picture this: you’re going about your day, that started before the sun was up, you are juggling a never-ending to-do list, wearing multiple hats – sometimes all at once, trying to help anyone and everyone that asks, managing multiple diaries, rushing to and fro to show up for this and that… it is exhausting just thinking about it. Yet, so many of us are living this day in and day out, and comparing ourselves to influencer “[insert your influencer of choice]”; who has a team of people to help them look polished, take care of the kids, chauffer them around and serve up nutritious instagrammable meals. You cannot help but feel inadequate.

Throughout this process you {and I] are neglecting the most important person in this chaos – yourself. It’s a silent struggle that men and women alike endure, often behind closed doors and in silence. We don’t need help. The societal emphasis on achievement and success can make admitting these feelings seem like a weakness, thus perpetuating a cycle of self-denigration and harsh judgement. I encouraged you to take inventory of your life by scoring yourself, if you missed it; STOP! Click on this link and go do it now, and then come back here.

Did you do it? No! Here is the link again: click here. I promise it will make sense and if you don’t do it and keep reading, you will benefit from the rest of this article, you may lose the full benefit of what I am trying to show you.

Welcome back.

So often, when we do fail, we indulge in excuses and sometimes self-pity, and the internal conversation escalates from the proverbial mole hill into a mountain. The weight of our world is on our shoulders. We forget that everyone fails! Hell, some of the most famous people are spectacular failures. Now pause and think about the last time someone close to you failed. Your child, your love, your bestie. Did you criticise and belittle them? or Did you listen to them with compassion and understanding? This kindness needs extending to yourself.  Look at your categories again, and imagine a friend was scoring you. Better yet ask someone close to you to score you. I am certain your scores have gone up in most if not all your categories. Why, because they have compassion and understanding for you, and they see you and all you do, they mitigate for the chaos of your life, and they love you and score accordingly.

This is your second point fix. We started with where you think you are, and discovered where your kind-self thinks you really are. By activating self-kindness, we begin to see that things are likely better than we originally thought. If you like me though, you are likely to need a little more convincing, and this is where the third point comes in. I know I argued, well they don’t really know me, they have no idea what a mile in my shoes are and they will never know, they are just being nice – no one want to tell the harsh truth to my face… etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

There is grand illusion we all buy into, that is the source of our chronic inadequacy. It is called perfection. Understanding and embracing our imperfections is pivotal when practicing self-kindness, it is what makes me, me; and you – you. To pivot away from inadequacy, focus instead on your accomplishments and strengths, no matter how small. Another element to the third fix is to check your expectations. It is so easy to get swept up in the pursuit of unrealistic goals. Realistic expectations in each category will help with the overwhelm, and it will help you identify when you need help.

We all need help, and asking for help is a superpower. It strengthens relationships, demonstrates vulnerability & courage, and allows other people in your life to do the same. Everybody wins! If this wasn’t enough to convince you, you will also increase your productivity and improve your mental health. When the weight is lifted off those broad shoulders of yours, the self-doubt that goes hand in hand with juggling allows space for clarity and focus. As does the anxiety and stress, as the to-do list becomes manageable, enjoyable even.

Now look at your category list one more time. With adjusted expectations and imagining you have the help you need. Where would you score yourself now? It may be higher, and in some instances, it may be lower – for the right reasons.

The 3-point fix is now complete. You established where you think you are, where you really are, and, where you want to be. In sailing we use 3-point fixes regularly on a passage to check-in and see where we really are in relation to where we think we should be. This framework is how I adapted the wheel of life in my own life, it is for you to check-in, with self-kindness, realistic expectations and embraced imperfection regularly. I would recommend every quarter. See and know where you really are and where you want to be, especially when the storm of overwhelm is brewing.

I hope you will let the compass of self-kindness guide you in all the areas of your life on this journey of self-discovery.

KAxx