Have you ever felt incompetent? At anything? If your answer is no, you probably lie about other stuff too [haha just saying]. It is the feeling that everyone around us does everything better than us. Maybe you are more familiar with calling it imposter syndrome. Most days it comes up for me.

When crossing the Atlantic, we were days from our final port and sailed head on onto a storm (it was unavoidable fyi). The rain was horizontal, the wind swallowed any verbal communication, and hand signals had to be employed. A few hours earlier, a crew-mate tied a knot, instead of a nautical knot [allegedly, and yes there is a difference], as we changed the sail plan in preparation of  said storm. We flaked the No1 genoa and “secured it to the guardrail before dinner, raised the storm sail and went to sleep as it was going to be a soaking wet and miserable  few hours on watch when the time came.

As I braced my knees in my bunk to mitigate the increasing swell and get some sleep before the twilight watch, I could hear the storm gathering momentum. The next thing  I was conscious was the incessant wail! It took seconds to realise it was the crew alarm invading my slumber like the alarm clocks of old! The shouting was loud and head torch beams were blinding! Bodies collided as the boat angled more unnaturally than usual and everyone was hustling to get lifejackets and boots on to get on deck.

The rain stung like an entire hive of bees when we got into the  cockpit against our exposed limbs! The barrage of waves was relentless. As the night vision kicked in after the torches below deck we understood what was happening. The genoa had come loose, been swept overboard, was still hooked in at the foot and rapidly filling with water and compromising the stability of the yacht. It was unsafe to cut it loose to the only option was to haul it back on board! I have never ever sweated so much in my life!

It seemed like an eternity as we coordinated the recovery. Ever tried to pick up a tent of water, that keeps on filling up? No! Well that is exactly what we were doing it wasn’t even one step forward two steps back as much as one step … sh!t didn’t even make that! We struggled to grab any kind of hold on the sail and the weight was so so heavy! Just when we got an inch the sea took back a mile. And incase you forgot the rain was still horizontal and the waves were less than half a meter from our eyes, thank God for jackstays and harnesses (for another time)! It took a very skilled skipper to helm the yacht and give us a fighting chance to heave like a pro tug of war team! And heave, heave, heave and heave we did.

Said eternity later, we tied the genoa on the opposite side of the boat with lots of knots. The horizon back to a comfortable 30 degrees  we surveyed the damage [and I think silently lifted up a prayer of thanks] before heading below deck again.

After a kit change, we gathered in the saloon for a briefing and a brew. The atmosphere was exuberant. As I made coffee with my watch, I noticed the laughter, caught snippets of their experience, the exclamations switched my focus from one person to another. I don’t remember who said it, but they said: “I really thought for a second we were done for, and as the sail slipped outta my hands I thought I have never felt to alive… cue Alanis Morrissette” and then burst out laughing again.

Anyway it may feel like i have gone off track here, however, the weight of the sail was so heavy at one stage that it broke the guardrail and then twisted the pulpit. This was the real issue because it meant we couldn’t use the foresail.

I wrote this post, because I have been thinking about that moment around the table and how without really being aware we made Someone feel incompetent, not enough, and probably really really horrible, myself included. I am truly sorry for that. We can never truly know if it was their fault or not, or, if lack of moral courage prevented another from taking ownership, or if it really just was the raging storm.

By Royal Yachting Association (RYA) standards, Someone was not yet deemed ‘competent crew’, it is why they were on the expedition. To gain the skills necessary to be deemed so. In that moment of condemnation we all forgot about the many many days of seasickness Someone suffered, we ignored the mental and physical toll it took on them [that equated to days of slumber, weight loss, and lost training time] and we lost our compassion because an authority figure made their assessment and we accepted it without question.

The International Maritime Organization (IMO) has recognised ‘The Human Element’ is key to the safety of life on board ships and a contributing factor to most casualties in the shipping industry. They implemented a system and countries around the globe adopted it back in 1997 – it is why we have a progression culture that includes exams, mile building, a syllabus and certification.

When we are in danger, self-preservation kicks in, it is natural! To judge others by our own subjective standards, without being able to walk a step let alone a mile in their shoes is unjust. We need to cultivate a culture of compassion and support, blame has no benefits. We are all incompetent as something in our lives, even today as you read this. People remember how we make them feel, not what we did for them. So I encourage you to be intentional with your words and actions – think – how would I feel if it were me?

KA.